As she peered out the window, studying the delicate rain, she came to one clear and concise realization….It was in her madness, where she made the most sense.
She herself was not mad, but the world she endured throughout her life. A world of lies and manipulation, filled with mental instability, addiction, and abuse. She found herself consumed with confusion, pain, and guilt, but most often, she just felt alone.
For years she suffered the judgment of others, but those who sat with their judgmental eyes were never able to see what was behind the closed doors. And the ones who did see, they were shunned and kept at bay.
Fighting, lying, hatred, hoarding, suicidal night watches…the helplessness she felt was enough to destroy a person. It was madness. Yet somehow she made it through, somehow she found herself. And in sorting through the bits and pieces, she finally realized she did make sense.
It wasn’t always that way though. There were times she felt she might lose herself, times she wanted to give up, but she pressed on. She searched for answers, for understanding, for peace….and somehow she found it.
She found it in the eyes of her children, in the comfort of friends, in the warmth and safety of her lover….she found it in her mirror’s reflection. There was a moment, when faced with herself where she had to choose. She could choose the frightened little girl still hiding in the corner, the misunderstood teen still looking for acceptance, the tormented wife still looking for truth, the betrayed friend still looking for answers, the damaged, misguided whore still looking for forgiveness. She could choose any of these lost souls staring back at her, all who were frantic and eager to emerge.
As she considered her options, she noticed one more. Standing quiet and peaceful beyond all the tormented eyes there was a woman. She was scarred, but it seemed as though the scars gave her strength. She had focus and purpose. She had love and confidence. She had contentment. As she studied this stoic figure, her choice became clear. All the haunted, despairing eyes peering back would forever be put to rest.
She chose the woman of strength and character. She chose herself. She chose me. For it was in my madness, where I made the most sense.
© Gloria Jones and Life According To G, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Gloria Jones and Life According To G with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.