and detrimental to your future. I have been going through some things as of late. Things unexpected and out of my control…but some things I have no one to blame but myself.
Here is a quick little background on me. I grew up in a family of mental illness, and learned early I was unable to trust my mother. I married the first guy who ever said he loved me (literally) at 20, he was controlling, possessive, abusive and a cheater. One of his conquests was my “best friend”. I forgave him repeatedly. I forgave her years later (only to be stabbed in the back again and again). Eventually we divorced after 12 years and two kids. I then suffered a terrible lapse in judgement, once again about who I could trust. I tried dating someone after a couple years, but he was all about games and lies too, so my heart said enough. Then one day, while at my new place of employment, I was graced with a wonderful sight. It took sometime, but ultimately I had discovered love.
The past few years with my boyfriend have been nothing short of amazing. We’ve had ups and downs like anyone, but at the end of the day, I think we understand each other in ways no one else ever could. We laugh, we talk, we irritate each other, we make fun of each other, we support each other, and we try to enjoy life the best we can. But I have been suffering (somewhat silently) and I am just now realizing why. Trust has been a place of torment for me in the past, and while I wholeheartedly trust my boyfriend, I often find myself losing my thoughts to a scary place. And it’s not the “gut feeling” we sometimes have, it’s truly in my head. Tonight I let those thoughts torment us both. After talking with “my person”, I realized I still suffer effects from the past. Fear of unexpected loss, abandonment, betrayal…even though I know in my heart he would never do this to me.
So, I guess I’m writing, one: to publicly apologize to my boyfriend, and two: to maybe help someone else that suffers from the same things. We need to make peace with our pasts, and as much as we need to leave them behind, we need to also take notes. I didn’t realize until tonight what was making me this way, not fully, and maybe I still have more to sort through, but I feel a bit less crazy now that I’m on the right track. I just don’t want it to take anyone else several years to figure it out!
We’re all human. None of us are perfect. And we all make mistakes…all of us!! Accept what is, forgive yourself, LEARN FROM IT, and move forward.
Your past will always effect your present, but don’t let it destroy your future!!
I love you babe! I am sorry for being a jackass! 😉
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