The past is ever present…

and detrimental to your future. I have been going through some things as of late. Things unexpected and out of my control…but some things I have no one to blame but myself.

Here is a quick little background on me. I grew up in a family of mental illness, and learned early I was unable to trust my mother. I married the first guy who ever said he loved me (literally) at 20, he was controlling, possessive, abusive and a cheater. One of his conquests was my “best friend”. I forgave him repeatedly. I forgave her years later (only to be stabbed in the back again and again). Eventually we divorced after 12 years and two kids. I then suffered a terrible lapse in judgement, once again about who I could trust. I tried dating someone after a couple years, but he was all about games and lies too, so my heart said enough. Then one day, while at my new place of employment, I was graced with a wonderful sight. It took sometime, but ultimately I had discovered love.

The past few years with my boyfriend have been nothing short of amazing. We’ve had ups and downs like anyone, but at the end of the day, I think we understand each other in ways no one else ever could. We laugh, we talk, we irritate each other, we make fun of each other, we support each other, and we try to enjoy life the best we can. But I have been suffering (somewhat silently) and I am just now realizing why. Trust has been a place of torment for me in the past, and while I wholeheartedly trust my boyfriend, I often find myself losing my thoughts to a scary place. And it’s not the “gut feeling” we sometimes have, it’s truly in my head. Tonight I let those thoughts torment us both. After talking with “my person”, I realized I still suffer effects from the past. Fear of unexpected loss, abandonment, betrayal…even though I know in my heart he would never do this to me.

So, I guess I’m writing, one: to publicly apologize to my boyfriend, and two: to maybe help someone else that suffers from the same things. We need to make peace with our pasts, and as much as we need to leave them behind, we need to also take notes. I didn’t realize until tonight what was making me this way, not fully, and maybe I still have more to sort through, but I feel a bit less crazy now that I’m on the right track. I just don’t want it to take anyone else several years to figure it out!

We’re all human. None of us are perfect. And we all make mistakes…all of us!! Accept what is, forgive yourself, LEARN FROM IT, and move forward.

Your past will always effect your present, but don’t let it destroy your future!!

I love you babe! I am sorry for being a jackass! 😉

XOXO

G

©Gloria Tassen and Life According To G, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Gloria Tassen and Life According To G with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Published by g.

Greetings! I guess you're here to find out who I am...looks like we're in the same boat. I have been writing poetry since I was 16, not because I thought it was a "cool thing to do", but because if I didn't my head would have exploded. With a multitude of words billowing through my brain, I had no other choice but to let them out. Some have been funny, many have been sad, but mostly, they've been guideposts. Unfortunately, I do not write as much as I would like to, but I hope to rectify that. Aside from poetry, I dabble in novel-writing. I have many ideas jotted down, some of them I've started, and maybe one day I will actually get one finished (if I just didn't have to worry about working, paying bills, and simple basic survival). I spend a lot of my time supporting my kids dreams. My daughter is a musician, and my son is an athlete, so between music gigs and school sporting events, my time is pretty much consumed...but I love every single moment of it!! I am also passionate about environmental issues; always looking for ways to lend a hand. Currently, I have an Etsy shop where I sell crocheted items that I have personally made. A portion of the proceeds are going to be donated to two of my favorite charities; Mission Blue and Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation. You can learn more at https://www.etsy.com/shop/PeaceLoveGlo?ref=hdr_shop_menu Other than that, I love to travel! I hope to see as much of the world as possible. There is so much more out there than just where we are, and I feel it is a gift that we should not take for granted. Once upon a time I was a runner (though some may have called it jogging with enthusiasm), but my Achilles decided it didn't like that anymore so now we walk. I'm beginning to venture into yoga, which so far has been a pleasant experience, and if time will permit, I would like to start doing some hiking. I also love music and going to concerts, coffee is my best friend, and over thinking is my worst enemy. So that's pretty much me in a nutshell. Nothing too fancy or exciting, just a 40-something still trying to figure it all out. I hope you enjoy my ramblings. g. P. S. Remember, "Agree to disagree, for not one person is ever truly right."

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